How good ‘manners’ can ruin your life

Manners are overrated. Sometimes they ruin your life. Below I have illustrated a most realistic scenario to better make my point.

Imagine

Inviting important noble guests to your apartment. These guests are potential investors for your customised cello-tape business. You have spent years perfecting the PERFECT cello-type to suit anyone’s need, hence tonight is imperative to your future success.

All was fine until you were informed that potential clients were HUGE fans of shaking hands upon FIRST sight. In fact, it would be a cultural SIN in their eyes, if you left them standing for more than 2 seconds.

This information naturally sends you into a whirlwind and you make sure to take EVERY step to ensure your important noble guests do not feel insulted or slighted in the least.

You set forth to ensure that your hands become the ULTIMATE hands to shake.

note: wrist is not severed from body

***********************************************************************************************************
You are a slave to etiquette, and hate to disappoint ANYONE, so have made sure to take the necessary steps to ensure your hands are in tip top hand shaking status. Nails have been clipped for optimum comfort during hand shake. You have moisturised with oil free cream, and furthermore have added a spritz of ‘calming’ perfume for that ‘ aromatic’ feel. You have enrolled in yoga for hands to ensure that hands are at optimal level of flexibility for that extra touch!

Shaking your hands won’t just be a normal hand shake but rather an EXPERIENCE your guests will want to relive time and time again!

ALAS ALAS ALAS, suddenly OLIVE oil EXPLODES and crazily enough, the bottle explodes right in your hand as you were placing it on the table.

Time is in slow motion as important noble guests rush forth with hands outstretched for that handshake. You cannot protest because MANNERS are paramount and heavens forbid,you insult them. Instead, you pray that they somehow do not feel the SEA of olive oil just POURING down your hands.

You watch in quiet horror as your hand is TIGHTLY clasped by important noble guest 1’s hands, and the oil form a compacted pool between your two hands, and then just RUSH forth to the floor like a oily waterfall.

Important noble guests look stunned and all you can say in this very very disconcerting moment is:

Lonesome Lorenzo

eX- Treme Style : ” Make It Yourself” Kit

Tired of wearing plaid, when everyone else is decked out in virgin lizard skin?!

Are you a creative, RESOURCEFUL person, who won’t let a few pesky details such as ‘alleged’ animal cruelty get to you?!

Is EXTREME sport your DRUG OF CHOICE?!

Do you like feeling  CRAZY amazing ADRENALINE coursing through your VEINS?

 We heard you! And we replied!!

 Introducing ….

 Make it YOURSELF: Haute Couture Kit ( eX-TREME style)

Fellow fashionistas and fashionistos, it doesn’t get any easier than this!

note 1: our studies have shown that some animals prefer to be clothes.

note 2: prepping time is approx 5 years so be sure to clear schedule

******************************************************************************************************

Discretion is key.

Ducks are easily startled so make sure to plant yourself in a well the night before. Ignore the villagers that protest that you are tainting their fresh water supply with the gasoline your “Turbo Animal Capturing Device” is emitting. Fashion takes sacrifice, and if they must be sacrificed, so be it.

Crazy AMAZING camouflage, the duck will NEVER see it coming.

note 1: time of arrival for duck not guaranteed. carry suitcase and portable bathroom in case.

note 2: Animal capturing device is battery operated, so be sure to carry at least 15 extras.

 ********************************************************************************************************

Everyone knows Haute Couture models are skinny ( and NOBODY notices the ones that aren’t!)

So what do you do?! Diet?? EXERCISE in the DEVIL’S playground(gym)………..?!?!?!

OF COURSE NOT!

Who has time for CRAZY activities like that when you have the AMAZING “Friendly” MACHETE that will just SLICE the fat RIGHT OFF YOU!!

Just HACK those love handles away!

SO SIMPLE, it’s almost ILLEGAL!

note: we suggest you mop the floor after usage.

********************************************************************************************************

We are T-O-T-A-L-L-Y concerned about the planet, so what BETTER way to showcase this DEVOTION to Mother Earth than to shred leaves from trees and WEAR THEM?!

Furthermore, it will T-O-T-A-L-L-Y hold any escapee internal organs!

And now…

*********************************************************************************************************Haute Couture : eX-Treme Style Summer 2018

note: one duck is not enough. take a pair so that they can keep each other company on your outfit.

 

 

Crazy AMAZING products by Kinsi :D

Struggling to converse when you are in the deep end of the pool?

Tired of paddling as you discuss world politics?

Hard to make your observations on contemporary Latvian literature known because you are too busy gulping mouthfuls of water?!

Sick and tired of people telling you to head to the shallow end of the pool if you want to chat?

WELL, FRET NOT MORE…

note: available in most large sizes. we sell comfortable adjustable sticks for smaller feet.

Introducing the AMAZING adjustable platforms especially designed for the deep end of the pool!

Available in amazing AMAZING colours. Be the envy of all your friends!

*******************************************************************************************************************

Got a small apartment?

Sick of having to buy a bed, table AND chair?!

How amazing would it be if you could eat AND sit on the same piece of furniture?! And also have a BED for any visiting dwarves or yourself if you happen to be one?!

Well, call us DREAM MAKERS…

note: hot woman on left not included. however mustached man is available for ‘special’ requests.

INTRODUCING the AMAZING 3 in 1 Robo-Chair 3000

Finally, a company that UNDERSTANDS the need for (very) minimalist furniture!

*******************************************************************************************************************

Sick and tired of finding parking in the CRAZY crowded city?

Car too FAT for skinny parking lots?!

Are you FORCED to leave family members at home because only your hot wife will fit into your convertible?!

Do you want a car that fits in with your busy life?!

Are you too poor to afford sight seeing?!

Well, call us PSYCHICS, because we have READ your mind….

note 1: spectacular view from top car cubicle very much dependent on your city surroundings. we cannot be held responsible for your sh*tty city views.

note 2: beware of heavy winds.

INTRODUCING, the AMAZING ‘Stackable Family Car’…OH..MY…HEAVENS!

Impress all your neighbours as you SWAY through town.

…SUPPLIES LIMITED. Call NOW. I have NO operators, so I am waiting by….

Human laboratory of unparalleled misery

The unfortunate job chronicles: Part 1 *

Every morning would start the same way. I’d wake up disappointed I wasn’t dead yet. I don’t mean this in a suicidal way, but such was the magnitude of horrendous angst I felt about my job. I didn’t want to DIE die, but more so just quietly vanish.

Me drowning in despair…

Cloaked in darkness and wrapped in sorrow, I would force myself out of bed. With the shadow of despair looming over my head, I’d head over to the bathroom to bathe in my own tears.

Like a grieving widow, I’d walk down the street towards the bus that would eventually take me to my execution job.

IF ONLY…if only that were an option…

Upon entering the bus, the other nameless faces would gaze blankly at me. There was no need for polite talk, we all knew where we were headed. Well, at least I did. I am certain all the laughter that echoed around me was meant ironically. I would think of happier days.However, I would be quick to dismiss these thoughts, why tease myself with happiness I’ll never know again. Might as well get used to my life sentence.

Inevitably, no earthquake would occur, and a musky wave of disappointment would engulf my already empty and hopeless heart. The bus would never fall down a darkened crevice into the soft bosom of death. The bitterness had me grasping the remaining seven hairs on my head in sheer frustration.

It would have been so beautiful…

Alas, I would eventually find myself dropped off at my stop. As I walked those final steps towards damnation work, I would skip over the streets littered with dead bodies. Okay, fine, there were no dead bodies, but there might as well have been.

Gazing at my ominous work building that was wired with steel (and bone, if you look close enough), I would just SIGH. Sigh and SIGH, for what else can one do when one is busy regretting the day their mother gave birth to them.

Like a crazed prisoner being led to an electric chair, futile thoughts would rush through my brain.

‘Where is gang violence when you need it?!’

‘ Am I not good enough to be kidnapped?! How dare kidnappers discriminate? No wonder world rife with self esteem problems when you have criminals selecting victims as opposed to random selection!’

SIGH

😦

At long last, I would succumb to my ill fated destiny and walk up the silent steps (that were etched with the desperate scratchings of those that came before us). The sight of my fellow inmates colleagues made me want to rip out my last remaining tooth( had I of course only one tooth).

Like many mornings before, and many more that were yet to come, I would silently pray that today would (finally) be the day that the mythical force majeure clause would finally come to fruition.

* Slight exaggeration may have been utilised.

The jogging almost superstars

Every few months or so, I get the uncontrollable urge to walk my cats. Thus far, we’ve had varying degrees of success. Wildly varying. And skewed towards the undesirable end of the stick.

Generally if I’m alone, they will behave and walk diligently. However, once anyone appears, they suddenly turn into battered domestic victims and I can all but hear PETA in the background.

However, as time elapsed, I started to notice one of my cats, had started to enjoy these walks. We were now entering summer, and the heat was slowly becoming insufferable, but that didn’t stop me. Her supposed ‘love’ of our walks really encouraged me and I suddenly had visions of us jogging along the neighbourhood. I’m not quite sure why we would be jogging, or why I would even WANT to jog through my construction ridden neighbourhood, but my sudden discovered DREAM OF ALL TIME seemed so real (I could almost taste it, much like the sweat stains on my upper lip).

I would then become really fit, and so would my cat, and then we’d still continue jogging because I wasn’t quite sure where else to go with my DREAM OF ALL TIME. However, those were just the finer details and honestly who has time for the finer details, when one is engrossed by the BIGGER and BRIGHTER picture.

And so began our ‘training’ for an unknown destiny. The sensible part of me (however slight and overlooked), pled that perhaps it would be better to wait for cooler months before my cat jogging self- made championship training started( yes, in my head, we had now graduated from an amateur running duo to elite professionals that would surly find their place in an undiscovered league of champions).

I, however, could not wait for ANY longer for long awaited success. And in my head, neither could my cat. Hence, I squished these sensible (and hence foreign) thoughts. This was no time for defeatist thoughts, we had a battle to conquer (we had at this point graduated towards warriors).

And so one sunny afternoon we set out.

Day 1. Where it not for the sweat blinding me, I am sure I could have seen the bright future ahead. Anyway, this was no time for sight, so I decided to just push through. I could surly feel my way through the streets, and besides I was now starting to see shapes. POSITIVITY, I hurled at my feeble mind. My cat wasn’t faring too well, ever so often, I would spot murderous intent behind her eyes, and I’d wonder if I was, perhaps, mistaken about our glittering athletic future ahead.

About 5 minutes later, I found myself in the nearby supermarket, with my head practically in the freezer section, gasping for dear life. I had put my cat in my hand bag where she was slowly recuperating from her arduous afternoon and most likely fanning herself with an overweight paw.

In retrospect, I guess the thought I had actually brought a hand bag to jog around the neighbourhood should have been clear indication that I had overestimated my ability to ‘rough’ it on the streets.

The misunderstood disfigured entrance card

I accidentally washed my house entrance card in my washing machine. Always a good idea to rinse one’s electronic card in soapy water. One simply cannot be too careful about germs these days.

Of course, these are the thoughts I tell my useless self as I tragically survey my now rather curly looking entrance card. It looks like it has a majestic early 80s blow out. The fantastic curve on the right hand side really is quite awe inspiring, and in fact leaves me gazing at my own relatively lanky hair in distaste.

Surprisingly enough, the card still works. It must have fought for its existence, struggling to survive within a tumbling sea of stale socks and unmentionables. Never a good way to go. It must have known there is no dignity involved in dying below a mountain of unmemorable undergarments.

However, am starting to get sick and tired of being judged for curly entrance card. I cannot be judged for the creative nature of my card. And no, I will not purchase another one for what will that say about me? As mentioned, card still works so were I to dismiss it of its services, would that not almost say I am being discriminatory based on physical defects?

In this looks oriented world in which certain ideals of ‘beauty’ are celebrated whilst others rejected, could I really live with myself KNOWING that I have indeed – through rejection of unorthodox looking card – CONTRIBUTED to this ill founded idea of what is beautiful and what is not.

Absolutely not.

Perhaps one could argue that house entrance cards really have no place in this argument but to that I say…Nay?

No cause is too small, no cause too large when one is on the quest for justice and fairness. As a (new found) crusader against discrimination, I stand behind my curly, aesthetically ‘displeasing’ card.

By sneering at my card, you side with all that is wrong with the world today. By asking me why I have not replaced it, you take a KNIFE against all that suffer in this world.

This cause is small but the significance is immeasurable.