Talking about the ‘untalkable’

I write this post solely because I wish a similar post had been written when I was suffering from depression and didn’t know where to turn. Yes, all these things can be searched online but I feel there is a difference when someone you know, even vaguely, confesses to the impact mental illness may have had on them.

I believe in this culture, it’s taboo to talk about how mental illness can affect lives. I also believe the main reason for this is a great lack of understanding, education and resources. Perhaps it’s also just seen as ‘acting’, a way to ‘get attention’. On a different note, it is almost glorified. It’s also trivialized. ‘F*ck, my shirt just got stained, I’m so depressed’. Let me tell you, kind friends, that if depression were so easily able to be passed through your lips over mundane events, you are TRULY lucky for I will tell you real depression is nothing like that.

I’m dramatic by nature, sometimes I see more than there is to a situation and blow it out of proportion. However, that’s just me. Sometimes we get twisted by our intrinsic nature but it’s what we cannot control that makes us suffer. I can understand how I may be seen to be ‘acting’ as I am after all someone who is not ‘subdued’ when it comes to emotions. This is where the problem lies. There is no one ‘look’ or personality to those who suffer from mental illnesses.

Tell someone you’re diabetic, and it’s an instant click of recognition. Need insulin you say? Great, so very good to see you are taking care of your health. Many times in the past when I would tell someone that I have bipolar disorder, first it would be the ‘look’, followed by the ‘but you look so normal!?’. Great, thanks. I’ll be sure to carry a dead rabbit in my hand the next time I see you. This isn’t even taking into consideration what people’s reactions can be when it comes to medication.

Bipolar is a brain/emotional disorder that is characterised by extreme lows (depression) and sudden highs with long stretches of feeling nothing. It’s not necessarily something that is constant in its appearance as it comes in episodes. You can be fine for a long time and suddenly, life becomes a grey canvas and you the pathetic actor of a show no one but your every insecurity attends. Suddenly EVERYTHING is a task. Do I have to get out of bed? Doesn’t that involve moving the duvet? My elbows are SO tired. However later that night, it’ll all change. ARGH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THIS ENERGY, so I will pace around my very small living room!!! So many IDEAS. SO MUCH TO SAY. Let me wake up my sister, it’s only 4 AM. We can talk ALL NIGHT LONG! I really was a delightful room mate!

Many suffer. Mental illness can grab you in many ways, and different people react different ways. Many that suffer fear being open about it because it’s ‘shameful.’ Some don’t even know there is anything wrong and start reacting in all sorts of ‘crazy’ (pardon the pun, it was irresistible) ways. This one of the things I hope changes.

And so from my end, I will tell you that my life has been affected in every way possible by my ‘invisible’ illness. The kind that I have is characterized by episodes of horrendous depressions that just come out of no where and then there are those LONG LONG periods of feeling nothing. My friends, the ones that know what I go through, tell me ‘but you do feel, you love your family, you love your friends.’….Yes, yes I do, but the thing is I cannot FEEL it a lot of the time. I know I ‘feel’ it but I cannot ‘reach’ that feeling. It felt like all of life was separated from me by a glass wall.

Feeling nothing is like nothing I could even explain (but yet here I am attempting). You exist but nothing impacts you. You are emotionally dead yet still alive. I felt dead so often and it’s SO HARD to explain any of this to anyone because how would you understand? I don’t even understand. And then something happens and all this deadness leads to you feeling TOO MUCH and it suffocates you.

Where I to be INSANELY truthful, it would go something like this: when my episodes hit, I wasn’t even sure if I enjoyed anything. I did what I did because I thought I should, that and I was a great actress. Weirdly enough, some days I was much better. Happy. Then suddenly I’m miserable and I hate myself and I wish I’d vanish. I’m so fat, stupid and ugly. The next day, suddenly I’m great again, actually FAR MORE THAN GREAT, in fact, everything is like a huge huge sunflower of delight. Later than evening, I’m freaking out. At 3 am, I’m hysterical because I don’t know how to survive living. I am everywhere. I am this, but I am that and this and that.

Truth be told, were it not for my faith , I would have probably ended my life years ago. It was like a civil war in your head, it doesn’t matter what side wins as we all lose.

And you probably wouldn’t have seen any of this. I would appear normal but nothing was normal about the way I existed. I’m lucky because I actually sought help. This helped a lot but you really have to do your own research. Had I followed the advise of every psychiatrist I had seen through the years, I believe I could have single-handedly supported the entire pharmaceutical industry. However, I still tried and tried and tried until I got to a more comfortable medium. That and humour was always my coping mechanism. I know that in the depths of great depression, the last thing you can envision is seeing the light in all this but believe me, it is possible. I didn’t think it was and yet now I can see.

I cannot stress how important it is to try and get help if you feel something is not right. Mental illness can ruin everything.  Also it can make life VERY HARD for those that love you. It’s so important that you are kind to yourself, that you try and seek a trusted person to speak to and that you forgive yourself and try and love yourself regardless of how unlovable you feel.

And if you happen to have someone in your life who suffers, it’s important to just be there.  You may not understand, but just be there and try and learn as much as you can. Isolation makes everything worse

I recognise now more than ever my problem. However I cannot guarantee that I’m ‘cured’. It’s an on going process. This invisible debilitating condition has ruined so much for me, but such is life. But just as it’s taken, it’s also given so much to my life and I do believe added positively to my life once I got a better grip and understanding of it. It’s definitely make me understand people better.

I’ve learnt to accept this and not be ashamed of it.There are many many things I have not said in this, dare I say ‘modest’ post. It’s hard to sum up what I’ve been through. The same can be said of all mental illnesses. As I’ve said many times within this post that was supposed to be short, in our society, we don’t talk about it. In fact, I don’t think we even take it seriously. I suffered from it for so long and even I couldn’t take it or accept it.I thought that I was pretending. Truth is, this is my truth and many of the people who suffer from similar afflictions.

It’s easy to classify diseases we see, but there are some we don’t. That doesn’t make them any less important nor do you have a reason to be ashamed.

I guess if there is anything to take from this post is, don’t suffer alone. No one has to live like that. There is hope and things can change. I was silent for so long because I was scared and ashamed but now I realise there is no reason for that. This is part of me, and no part of anyone should be considered a ‘stigma’ or ‘taboo’. Unless it involves an addiction to very bad perms, in which case, you should be very ashamed!

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